Circus Rambles - On current state of mind
I've been taking a step back from social media over the last week, because I've been feeling pretty depressed and cynical, and most of what I wanted to tweet would have amounted to yelling at a brick wall. It wouldn't have helped me and it wouldn't have been fun for anyone to read. But I do at least want to talk about it a bit.
For those who don't know, last week saw the suicide of Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park. It kind of came out of nowhere and it affected a lot of people, and I did not take it very well. I quickly got to a point where I couldn't see what the point of continuing to live was. I don't mean to scare anyone, but it was that bad.
I don't have a lot of close friends, and I have even fewer people I trust to talk to about anything relating to my mental health, because I tend to get burned or ignored when trying to talk about it. I can see why...Mental health is tough, and it's stigmatized, and a lot of people don't know how to help or how to respond. I get all that. I'm trying to get to a point where I don't need anyone's support. But, you know what? I'm not there yet. Sometimes I still need to talk to someone, and most of the time I have to make do with a stuffed bear, who is at least welcoming if not particularly wordy.
So I've spent the last week silently burrowing into a hole, basically. I'm not completely out of the hole yet, if we're being honest. But maybe I'm able to see the edge of the hole above me. This metaphor quickly got too complicated. Let's dispense with the metaphor entirely, and maybe just pretend this entire paragraph never happened.
For those who might be worried, I'm still going to therapy with a new-ish therapist; I've only been seeing her for about four weeks at this point, but so far she's been great. The amount of issues I have to work out would fill a few books, but I suppose I have to start somewhere. Despite my general feeling that the world is doomed and that I'm never going to get better, I still have a very strong desire to go to therapy, and I'm very much aware that I'm not mentally healthy enough to skip going. I'm told self-awareness is one of my better traits.
This entire thing seems more rambly than is the norm for my rambles, and I apologize for that. I guess I just wanted to let someone know what's going on. This is more than I say to actual humans, usually.
Anyway, I guess that's about it. I hope you enjoyed reading this pointless tedium, and I look forward to cluttering your life with more sarcastic blog posts in the near future.