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Circus Rambles - On cynical and depressing thoughts

October 3, 2017

Well, I'm supposed to be writing instead of dwelling. So here I am, writing. My therapist is out of town this week. I'm sure she'll be happy that I've expressed my emotions to a blog instead of to my stuffed bear, for once.

 

Fair warning: this is not going to be uplifting in the slightest.

 

So. Mass shooting in Las Vegas. Hundreds of people injured. Fifty-nine dead last I saw. So that's a thing that happened. Why is that a thing that happened? Why can't we all just...I don't know, NOT shoot each other? Can't we all just calm down and live our lives and not murder anyone?

 

I don't know. So many fucked up things keep happening and I'm not sure how to process them anymore. It all gets added to the pile of fucked up things that I haven't processed yet. The pile keeps falling over and I keep shoving it back into something resembling a pile. And I tell myself that someday I'll start chipping at it. And I don't know how much I've really chipped at it.

 

I jokingly referred to myself as cynical for a few years, but now I really am. It's not such a joke anymore. It's mostly just...really sad. I'm sad at the state of the world. I'm sad at the realization that it's probably going to get worse. I've never had any idea how to be a normal person, but I have even less of an idea now that the world is burning down around us. Hell, where I live, the world was in fact literally burning down around us! And still is; the Eagle Creek fire is only about 50% contained. They've said that there shouldn't be any more flare-ups (no pun intended for once), but it's still there.

 

In general, I'm not doing much with my life. I'm still trying to get this whole writing thing going, and I keep getting shoved back down by mental health issues. Okay, fair enough. But...I guess I'm sad that I didn't start doing this years ago, when my mental health issues weren't so bad and the world wasn't such a fucked up place. Well, I guess it was still a fucked up place...It wasn't as bad, or maybe I just didn't notice it as much.

 

Sigh. All this to say...here I am. Still here. Why am I still here? How do you keep going in a world like this? I really, genuinely do not understand. No one is able to explain it to me. I think this is one of those questions that doesn't really have an answer.

 

I guess I'll just wake up again tomorrow, and keep going. I don't feel very much sense of purpose these days. But I keep going anyway.

 

Have a good night, everyone. I'll try to write some more positive things this week. Hopefully.

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