Circus Rambles - On medication

It's been not quite a year but pretty close to a year since I was diagnosed with PTSD. I've gone without medication for that time because, admittedly, I have a whole bunch of trust issues. I've had bad side effects before; I've seen partners have bad side effects before. I'm nervous and hesitant and a whole bunch of other unpleasant adjectives. But it's been almost a year and I'm not dealing with my head as well as I'd like to be, so I am rather unhappily looking into getting back on medication. Meh.

It's been...goddamn it's been almost five years, what the fuck. (Or maybe four years, my internal timeline is sketchy.) I did not realize it had been quite that long. No wonder I'm so crazy.

Mostly it's like...I hate that every medication is basically a coin flip as to whether you will be functional or miserable and there's no way to know beforehand which one you'll get. I wish antidepressants were more like antibiotics. Like, you have an illness and you take medication and the illness is treated/managed/not fucking bothering you. Right? But no, mental illness wants to be a special snowflake.

But I heard from my therapist that there's a saliva test they can do now, that can tell you which medications might work better for you. And I hadn't heard of that. And the thought of maybe being able to go into this with a little bit more foreknowledge is nice. So that gives me a sliver of hope. Slivers of hope are nice and I don't get them too frequently.

I guess I shouldn't be writing off medication like I have been doing. I'm just, you know, nervous. And I've seen some shit. And I have some trust issues. But, you know, I'd like to be better if it's possible.

SO YEAH. That's a fun thing to be dealing with right now. It's fun. It's not actually fun. I feel like it might be progress.

How are y'all, then? I still say y'all. I guess some bits of the south rubbed off on me.

Fuck, life is weird.

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