I dragged a friend to a poetry slam earlier in the month, and it was great and fun, and on the way home we were talking about it. We got on the subject of writing poetry while in a bad place, and while I was saying the words I had the epiphany that I pretty much need to go to poetry slams in order to help get my creative juices flowing, because I largely use poetry to process traumatic experiences and painful emotions, and therefore writing can be hard for me unless I've recently gone through something horrible. Like, I had that realization while I was talking and just started trailing off into, "Oh holy shit that's a thing that I'm realizing right now."
Then just now, later in the month, I got some nostalgia for fanfiction in general, as I occasionally do. I think I've probably written about it on here before. And as I was doing so I remembered the days when I used to write it myself. I remembered having fun writing. I suddenly realized that that's what I want to do again. I want to get to a point where I can write about something other than my various traumas. I want to write all the things I dream about, and not just about all the stuff that's happened to me.
Of course I still enjoy writing, but these days it's so intertwined with my trauma and with processing all sorts of various emotions. Sometimes it's hard to separate everything out and just write for fun. At the moment it's a little impossible, actually. And I want to make it clear that I'm not knocking myself for writing about horrible stuff happening to me. Writing poetry is pretty much the only way I can process a bunch of emotions I'm otherwise not able to deal with. It's probably the only way I'll ever be able to publicly talk about certain things, because it's easier than trying to, say, write a speech about it.
I think I had fun back when I was writing fanfiction, even as a depressed teenager. And yeah, most of it was terrible and I've taken steps to remove it from existence. But I at least wrote a few good things, I think. And it was fun. And back then I maybe didn't care so much, or there was less pressure to write stuff that inspired people or stuff that could sell well. I was just writing childish stories, and those have a place in the world too.
I have a rather frustrating cold right now and the cold medicine is kicking in, so I might have to cut this one a bit shorter than I wanted to. I guess what I'm saying is I've realized something about myself. I do that from time to time. I wanted to make sure I wrote it all down because it felt important.