March 27, 2020

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Circus Rambles - End of Year/End of Decade

January 1, 2020

...well, shit. I hadn't realized it had been quite that long since I made a post.

 

I'm currently in one of those fun depression phases where I don't feel depressed but I'm doing all the things I do when I'm depressed, like not going outside and wanting to disappear into nothingness and eating mozzarella sticks. My old therapist is taking my health insurance again (yay!), but is on maternity leave until March (boo!), so there's hope for the future, at least. In the meantime, let's talk about this year.

 

2019 was the year I started going to poetry slams and reading my work on a microphone, which is something that has been pretty hard for me for a lot of reasons. I've met some fantastic people there so far, and I can say that at least some of my poetry isn't terrible. I know that last part doesn't sound like much progress, but trust me, for me it is. I did a couple of featured readings towards the end of the year and they were pretty fun. I'm hoping to do some more in 2020. I'm also hoping to get my second chapbook finished. It's kind of stalled recently due to the aforementioned depression phase, but what else is new?

 

This was also the year I ended up going without therapy for the first time in a while, since as previously mentioned my old therapist quit taking my health insurance. And as it turns out, I really need therapy. Well, I guess it's good to know for sure. I do think that pretty much everyone on Earth could benefit from some therapy, but I'm also going to have trouble affording it, even with health insurance. Might need to start giving plasma again, which will be tricky because I fucking hate needles. Yay.

 

And this was the year I was finally diagnosed with autism. Actually, this was the day. For years I've been telling various therapists that I thought I might have autism, and they all told me I didn't have it. But stubborn bitch that I am, in October I made an appointment with a doctor who is an expert at diagnosing autism, and today I finally got my diagnosis. I have the strong urge to call a couple of people and tell them I TOLD YOU SO, but that feels like it would be petty.

 

The thing is, I think I know what happened. I did have some testing for autism done when I was in my early twenties, but they were very specifically testing for high-functioning autism, and I don't have high-functioning autism. I have a slightly more severe form. I'm honestly not sure of all the terminology and all the specifics; I am very new to this. But basically, I think they were just asking me the wrong questions back then.

 

A few people have told me I place too much importance on labels. It's not the label I want; it's the answer. I wanted a definitive reason as to why I can't read people and can't make eye contact and can't tolerate certain sounds. And now I have one. I knew it all along and no one listened so I looked for someone who would listen and they did.

 

I have a lot of feelings today, I think.

 

Anyway, I'm going to try and get better. Again. It's a constant struggle, isn't it? But I guess now I'm going to try and get better with more knowledge about myself, and that's something. All I can do is my best. All I can be is myself. I will try to remember that.

 

Happy New Year. And new decade.

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