March 27, 2020

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Circus Rambles - On being horribly depressed in and right before the New Year

January 5, 2020

Let's talk more about that giant depressive spell I alluded to in my year-end ramble. Remember how I said I was doing all the things I do when I'm depressed, but I don't really feel depressed? Well, now I feel depressed. I can barely leave bed except for work. So that's fun.

 

What triggered this? If we're being honest, I think it might have been a few weeks back when I competed in a couple of poetry competitions and placed very low in both of them. I know logically all the right stuff. Everyone there was insanely talented. They are all my friends and they deserved to be there and they did insanely well. Just the fact that I got there means I am also talented (.....apparently). I know all of this, and I figured that I would feel really shitty that night and then I would get over it. Except here I am, some weeks later, still horribly depressed. And honestly, I haven't thought much about those competitions until I started writing this out, so I don't even know if I'm specifically depressed about that. Or maybe I am and I've just been repressing all my feelings and it's slowly eating me away inside. Either one sounds like me. I'm more inclined to believe the former, since I haven't touched any writing for the last few weeks. It's definitely not unusual for me to lose all confidence in myself and think that I have no writing talent whatsoever. In fact, I think that's just my normal state of being.

 

All this depression is completely separate from the fact that I got formally diagnosed with autism a few days ago. I have some feelings about that, but I'm waiting until I get a copy of my report before I start examining them. Or at least, I'm trying to. I do still feel sort of frustrated that no one listened to me years ago when I first started suspecting this. Also, a few people I've told have immediately said, "Oh well you must be high-functioning" and I've had to sigh and be like...No. I'm literally not. I'm starting to see why I had trouble getting diagnosed, because everyone just assumes I'm high-functioning when I'm not. But I'm hoping getting this report will maybe help me out with sorting my feelings.

 

I did think about getting back into therapy, since my old therapist isn't back from maternity leave until March and I might have eaten my shoes out of sorrow by then. The thought of getting to know a new therapist is kind of exhausting. I have to see one that specializes in trauma recovery/PTSD; I've learned the hard way that I cannot compromise on that. But I kind of also want to see one that specializes in autism, and I'm worried that finding one person who does both is tricky. There's agreeing to see someone with those issues and there's specializing in it, and I've learned the difference firsthand and it's huge. So we'll see. The person who diagnosed me does do therapy, but I'm not sure if they take my insurance and I'm also not sure if we'd be a good match for therapy.

 

I did talk to my mom for a while today. We can have a complicated relationship at times, but talking to her helped. I didn't mention any of the depression. I did mention that my relationship with my ex wasn't the best, but there was a lot I wasn't ready to talk about, and she respected that. I also got to remember the time she threatened to run the abusive ex over with a mail truck if they ever hurt me, and that was fun. I'm not sure where my mom would have gotten a mail truck, but hey, we folks from the South are a determined bunch.

 

So I feel a little bit better. Maybe. We'll see. Writing this all out has helped a little. I'm skeptical of my own slightly-better-than-terrible moods, but hopefully this is a starting point to getting less terrible on the norm. Hopefully.

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